Into Asylum

There, I was standing still in front of the door of room 523. I was staring intently at it. I was so hesitant to go inside because I didn't have enough strength to face who was inside. I was thinking so deep that caused my head to ache unbearably. I closed my eyes and convinced myself to be strong.

Then, I opened my eyes, leaned forward and raised my hand in the direction of the door knob. I was almost near the knob when the door opened widely. A middle-aged nurse dressed in a hospital blue gown walked through the door. She looked at me and gave a smile as she passed me by. I smiled a little back at her as my gaze followed her for a while.

When the nurse was no longer in sight, I looked again at the door and inhaled deeply. I gathered all my strengths and I went inside the room.

As I entered the room, I saw a navy blue couch comfortably situated at the right side. And next to it stood a small beech-colored wooden night stand with a lamp shade on it. On the adjacent wall, there was a long and wide glass window that gave a spacious effect in the ward. A half-opened vertical blind in a slight touch of baby blue shade added an appealing beauty that somehow contributed a feeling of comfort. And on the window sill, few bouquets of various blossoms placed in a different sizes of vases were decorating the room. They gave warmth to a solemn ambiance.

I turned on my left and saw a medical bed covered in blue sheets which was standing in between the huge drawer unit and a medical equipment. On that bed, Franco, was lying unconsciously in his blue-colored hospital gown. A large tube was inserted through his mouth to support his nutritional needs which was connected to an electronic pumping device situated on the right side of the bed. Above his bed, a fluorescent light was hanged on the wall that illuminated the entire room. Two monitors placed above the drawer unit were plugged as well in his body to evaluate his cardiac and respiratory rate.

I couldn't stand seeing him in this kind of situation. He was on the bed in a vegetative state, never knowing if he would be able to wake up again. I never knew when would I be able to see him smile again. But I had to be strong. Strong enough for him... and strong enough for myself as well...

Franco was my boyfriend since college. He was dark yet sort of appealing in some ways. He stood around 5-feet-7-inches,with a medium-built body type. At first, I was not attracted to him. I think I was the only girl in our class who was not having a crush on him. I didn't even care about his existence. Until he was accidentally teamed up with me in our surveying laboratory along with my friends. I was the only rose among the thorns in our group laboratory. Me and Franco didn't talked to each other that much. It was only when my friend Marty paired us to do a special assignment in our surveying project. From then on, we became close friends turned into lovers...

I walked toward the window pane and closed the vertical blinds. Then, I removed one of old bouquet on vase and replaced it with the peach roses. I walked toward the garbage bin located opposite to the glass window and put the old flowers in it. Then, I went in the direction of his bed, looked at him for a while, with eyes full of fears. Only the sound of the beeping of the medical equipment was breaking the silence surrounding the place. I caressed his face with my right hand as I stared at him for more minutes. Then, I bent toward him and gave him a kiss on his forehead.

"Hi baby, I hope you're doing fine today" I said as I started to change my mood.

As much as possible, I tried to be cheerful whenever I was with him. From that, I wanted to show him how strong I was in dealing with this kind of situation. I walked around the room, trying to make myself busy while I kept on talking to Franco. I might sound a little bit lunatic, talking to someone who was asleep for 4 months now. But that was the advice of the doctors, to make him feel that he was still in our world. I got the razor from the drawer and shaved his face while I was telling him a story about my work and everything I could talk to. When I was finished cleaning him up, I went to the pantry and washed my hands. After doing so, I went back to him, took the seat beside his bed.

I took another stare at him. Placed my hand on his forehead and started to brush his hair with my hand. I smiled as I continued to brush his hair. But I couldn't help the tears not to show up. I tried to fight these crystal drops from falling. I held my head up high, closed my eyes so tight and pressed the bridge of my nose by fingers. When everything was cleared, I looked at him again. And held his hand so tight. I leaned my forehead on my hands with my eyes closed and stayed like this for a little while.

"Hang on, baby... Never let go..." I whispered.

I heard him moaned softly. I immediately raised my head and placed my look upon him. I was in confusion if I really heard him or I was just imagining things. I was still on my seat while holding his hand when suddenly, I felt a soft press from Franco's hand. Was this really happening? I couldn't believe it. I urgently stood up and headed for the door. I called the nurse or doctor to inform them about Franco. Thank God, medical assistance came in an instant. They kept me outside the room and waited for hours.

After several hours, the door to the room 523 opened, and the doctor walked toward me. He looked at me and smiled.

"He's doing fine now. Just give him a few minutes to rest. You can go inside now." the doctor said as he patted my shoulder and walked away.

I stood still for a while and tried to listened to the pounding drum of my heartbeat in my ears. I could already feel that any chance I would be reconciled with the man I dearly loved all my life. I inhaled deeply and pushed my hair back with a shaking hand. I walked through the door and saw him again.

I was standing at the foot of the bed and looked at him. He was now sitting on his bed. Leaning his back on the head rest, his hands placed on his stomach and stared at me with his sweetest smile. I drew back upon seeing him, and the tears came again, budding at the corner of my eyes. I really hated crying, it gave me such awful headaches and pain in my throat.

"Hi Baby..." he uttered in a low tone.

I walked toward him and gave him a tight hug. I couldn't believe that he's now awake. I could feel the soothing warmth of his body. I forgot how comforting his warmth was. As I leaned my face on his well-developed chest, I could almost hear the sound of his heartbeat. I couldn't be, but it felt like a dream I knew I was not dreaming. It was a miracle, it was not really a dream, he was finally awake.

"I missed you so much, baby!" I uttered in my lowest voice as I embraced him so tight.

"I missed you more, my little princess." he gently replied.

After a while, I withdrew myself from hugging him and moved away from him a little bit. We were facing one another, I was standing at the foot of the bed and he bundled up in it. Silence filled the entire room. I was just staring at him, as if I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. He was finally awake, sitting on the bed, staring at me and flashing me his sweetest smile. I floundered in confusion, grasping for my consciousness if all these things were real. I was about to say something when he suddenly broke the silence.

"How long have I stayed here now?" he asked.

"I... it was almost four months since the car accident" I replied straightly.

"I was resting here that much." he said as he tried to smile again at me.

I missed his smile so much. Every time he smiled, his eyes also smiled. There was a certain sparkle in his eyes that made me lost in it for a while. I wished we could last together. I already set my mind that he was the one meant for me. I had already built all of my plans with him. I didn't know what to do if I would lose him.

"You got a severely brain damaged in an automobile accident nearly four months ago, and you were diagnosed to be in a persistent vegetative state. I thought... everybody thought that you'll not going to wake up again." I told to him in a shaky voice.

I burst into tears again. I couldn't help it anymore. I covered my faced with my hands and sobbed harder. I tried to be strong. But in the end, I was still weak though I might look like tough. And I couldn't understand what I was really feeling this moment. He was awake now, but I didn't know. I felt so sad. It was like a part of me was being torn away from me. No, it was like a part of me that was missing for a long time just rushed and filled me up. It was a mixture of ironic emotions. What a strange feeling and I wondered what it meant.

"In the four months you were asleep, I have missed you every day and every night. I have felt it more like a thousand years to me. And the worst thing was, you were here with us, with me, in this lonely room but I cannot even feel your presence. I have realized it when you were sleeping deeply. But I know, I can't imagine how I can put back my life living without you." I continued.

He was still looking at me. He never said a word. He just kept on smiling. He just listened to every word I was saying. It seemed that he woke up just to listen to my grievances and pain. I didn't know if I would be happy or not. But somehow, I was feeling better, letting go of something kept so long deep within me.

He raised his arms wide open, inviting me to come near him. I did come toward him. And he hugged me so tight that I could even feel paradise on his side. My eyes were closed while I was sitting beside him on the bed with my head leaning on his chest. I missed him so much... I missed everything about him... his solemn voice, his gentle caresses, his warm hugs, his sweet kisses, the sound of his heartbeat. These were the things I almost forgot when he laid unconsciously for a long time. But now, I could experience these things again. It was almost a paradise.

"So are you feeling better now..." he asked me while I was still embracing him with my eyes closed.

"I am..." I calmly replied.

I tightened more my embrace on him. He drew me close to him as if he never wanted me to let go. Then, he started to hum while his right hand was caressing my right shoulder. As if he was trying to let a little child to go to sleep. Somehow, it was making me feel relaxed. We stayed like that for a little while. I tried to savor that magical moment in my life. Sometimes, no matter where you were, you could always feel these magical moments. That was to be with him and passed our time together with great tenderness.

"I hope that we both last together" I said to him.

"You will always with me, my baby." he replied.

"I wish we could be like this forever, I never felt safer than in your arms."

"Don't think too much, sweetie, and don't waste any minute of our lives together with nothing right now." uttered Franco.

He haven't changed a bit. He was still the Franco I knew, the Franco i fell in love with. He knew what to say in times like this. He knew how to make everything feel so special in just an ordinary situation. That's why he captured my heart entirely, he knew the way to capture it.

"Don't worry about me" he suddenly said.

"I am not worrying about you. You are perfectly fine now." I replied.

"Yes I am." he told me

I didn't know why on earth he just told me that. Was there something I should know about? I felt a rushed inside me. But I stayed calm and stayed beside him, embracing him to tight.

"There are times you love something so much but there will come a time that you have to let go of something no matter how painful it will be"

"What are you talking about?" I asked confusedly.

"I know how much you love me, but time has finally come. You have to let me go now."

"Are you saying you not going to stay with me? Are you going to break up with me and leave me?"

"It's not like that, Sweetie, but you have to understand."

"What to understand? After all the patiently waiting for you to wake up. You'll just going to break up with me."

I didn't understand what he wanted to pertain. I was still hugging him and I embraced him more to let him feel that I didn't want to let go. I just felt my tears were flowing down my cheeks, though my eyes remained closed. I didn't want to move and faced him for it might be the end of everything.

"I am tired. I need a rest to rest now" he said calmly.

"Please let me go now and soon you will understand."

"I don't want to. I don't know what to do if you are not in my world I'm living."

In that moment, a gentle breeze just passed through me and something just crossed inside my head. In a minute, I realized something. Could it be true? Was this really happening? Did he just wake up to tell me that we would never going to be together. Was this the way he had to say goodbye to me? It was hard to accept if it was true but I had to be strong. Maybe I needed to let go of him now. It was better this way for both of us. Though it was hard for me to accept that we would never last together, I knew deep inside of me that I had his heart from the start and he was true to me through all the moments we had been together. I think that was enough for me to let go and move on in my life without him.

"I don't want you to go, but if this is way our love has meant to be, then so be it." out of nowhere, I just uttered those words that I knew I could never say to him.

"I may not be with you, but I will always love you... remember that..." he said.

"Can I hug you for the very last time before we part our ways." I requested

He let me hug him for the last time. I embraced him so close to me. My head was still leaning on his chest while my eyes were closed. I didn't want to open my eyes because if i did, I knew it was over for both of us. For now, I would savor the moment being with him for the last time. I could feel his warmth for the last time. His warmth that I would never feel again soon. But somehow, I was thankful for this moment, that he gave me a time to spend it with me. At least I knew that I was important to him for the last time being together. I was happy for that.

It was time for me to say goodbye. It was time to let go of him. I knew that when I opened my eyes, the things between me and him would be over. I gathered all the strengths I had inside me and finally I opened my eyes...

When I did, I saw myself sitting on the seat beside his bed. While he was lying unconsciously on the bed with all the tubes inserted through his body. Everything seemed to be the way it was when I came inside the room. I was still holding his right hand. I never realized that I had fallen asleep beside him while holding his hand. I guessed I was just dreaming of him. But it felt so real, talking to him and spending that moment.

I felt some moist on my cheeks. I let my right hand touch my wet face. And looked at Franco for some time which was peacefully sleeping on the bed. My vision started to get blurred when I remembered what he said on my dream. I held his hand so tight. Then, the beeping sound of the medical machine just stopped, instead a long straight sound was filling the entire room. I couldn't control anymore the tears to roll down my cheeks. And a sudden gust of cold wind passed through and I heard a soft whisper in my ears. "Thanks for letting go... I love you, my baby!"


by: BHELAT